2012 and Life

Yes! We made it through another year! Give yourself a pat on the back!

Here’s to a new year and a new beginning.

Like everyone else out there in the world, it’s time for New Years Resolutions. Anyone have any that will actually try to keep? As for myself, I want to finish my family story. I want to read more books. I have a tendency to start a book(s), and never finish them. I have tons of books that I must get through. And of course, exercise regularly.

Perhaps we should all make a few resolutions together? Maybe be nice and polite to those around us? Have some respect? I have seen too many people behave so rudely to store clerks, or bank tellers simply because they didn’t have a certain product in stock or the line was going to slow. Is this really necessary? I think not.

Maybe if we were all a little more respectful of others, we would all be in better moods? Which would make everyone nicer and less grumpy and so on. It’s a bit similar to the “pay it forward”.

So I hope everyone has a wonderful day today and good luck with your New Year’s Resolutions!

 

 

 

*Please do not reuse any photographs used in this blog without my permission. Thank you*

 

 

Family Story-Chapter Three Perhaps

This is perhaps Chapter Three:

During the course of this year, mom underwent surgery for a catheter to be placed inside her. This catheter was how she received her Chemo-Therapy treatments. My mom couldn’t stand it. It hurt, was uncomfortable, and she hated it. So she had this, lost her hair, lost a lot of weight, had radiation therapy, and was still trying to make ends meet on a barber’s salary and had two kids to deal with and a husband who was hardly around because he was always at work.

During this time I had already started community college, so I kept myself busy going to school full time, my dad was at work full time at the barber shop, so that left my older sister to help my mom. Something a daughter should never see her mother go through. I can’t even imagine the things that my sister saw my mom go through. I have never asked her about it and never will. I don’t want to. I am scared to know. I don’t remember my mom’s doctor’s appointments for her chemo therapy treatments because I was never there, my sister was. I was always in school, and after her appointment, feeling horrible, I’m sure, my mom would come to my school and pick me up. Then we’d go home. Go home to our hotel room.

During the years of the ’90’s, my family lived in a hotel. Or I should say, various hotels, in Orange County. All around the touristy area in Anaheim. My mom liked it there, so that’s where we lived. She would go speak to the hotel manager and make some sort of a deal, and we would live there for a while. It wasn’t a gross, child-endangerment sort of situation, they were always well kept and trendy just nothing fancy and not something I wanted to tell people about. A family of four living in one room. And when my mom was diagnosed and became ill, well, the situation was very claustrophobic. But I thank God for it. I often miss that closeness now, and am still sometimes not used to apartment living.

Family Story and Christmas Time

 

So here we are at another Christmas.

I don’t know how many people out there in this world have managed to deal with it, but every Christmas has always been such a hard thing to handle since my mom’s passing. For a while there, there was no Christmas. No Christmas, no Thanksgiving, no real birthdays to celebrate. Nothing. Life was at a halt. Too much sadness and despair in my heart and the heart of my sister to celebrate anything. It was too difficult to try and pretend to be happy. Although we truly did try, but it usually wound up in a very sad night. Having missing family members due to death, is not something I wish on anyone.

Then, with the slow progression of time and events, we manage to deal. Until about 3 years ago, we didn’t have a Christmas Tree. We would perhaps buy a tiny fake one from the local discount store, but to actually go out and purchase a “real” tree? No way. It wasn’t until very recently, that we began to have a “real”, pine-smelling, light-toting, ornament-wearing, Christmas Tree. Walking into the Tree Lot to purchase it, was extremely difficult. I cried the first time. Too many memories that I had not remembered until then rushed to the forefront of my mind. Looking around at all the happy families with their parents and children picking out their family tree, just was a bit much for me at that time.

Now, a few years since that first time, I can walk into the lot and appreciate the fact that I am picking out my tree with my family. Small as it may be, but it is MY family and I thank God for them.

Christmas is about celebrating our religious beliefs, yes, but it is also about family and friends and loved ones. Not about presents and if you received the new iPad 2 or not. Just be together and be grateful for what and most importantly, who you have in your lives.

Let’s not forget about those we care for as we celebrate this holiday season. Those that are with us, and those that are not.

Let’s celebrate our holidays with insight, prayer and love.

Happy Christmas Everyone!

Arlington Cemetery: Beauty in Death

 

 

When I snapped this photo, I knew I would probably like it. But I didn’t realize just how much I like this photo until I stared at it for a while.

While visiting Arlington National Cemetery this past summer, I kept looking at these direction signs that are everywhere. At first, upon walking around the grounds, the visitor knows that these signs are purely for directions. Which is what they are. “Go this way to visit….” is in essence what these directional signs are saying. I just kept looking at them. I felt they were so odd. Where else could I see a sign such as this one? What exactly is it telling me?

I snapped this photo because to me, it looks beautiful. The trees and the headstones lined up behind it. Gorgeous. Arlington is gorgeous. At the same time, this sign makes the visitor, me, very humbled. This is telling me, “Go this way to visit JFK, or this way to visit the “Tomb of the Unknown Soldier”. How sad. Our President who was assassinated while doing his duty as our President, and the soldiers who were doing their duty by protecting and fighting for what is right, what they felt is right. Except we don’t know who any of they are, because they are “Unknown”.

So much courage and honor in this beautiful and graceful cemetery.

Stop and look around. You don’t see this kind of beauty everywhere. And believe it or not, there is beauty in cemeteries.

 

**Please do not reuse this photograph without permission. Please contact me first. Thank you**

Family Story: Chapter Two-ish Continued: Fear

Here is what follows the previous blog in my family story: Family Story Chapter Twoish:

Fear is what I thought overcame my mom during this horrific time. Which would be completely normal. My mom, Irene, was 49 when diagnosed with Breast Cancer. And I know now, that in her hard of hearts, she knew, truly knew, that this was going to take her. But in 1994, I thought it was just the fear talking.
The first words out of my moms mouth when we saw her in the hospital bed after her biopsy surgery were “I can’t believe I’m going to die from this”. And the first thing I thought, was “Oh God…”. I didn’t know what to say. So I just said what my dad and sister said: “No you’re not!”. I know now that she actually knew. It wasn’t just the fear talking.

I don’t remember much more from this day, other than that this is the day that started it all. This is the day that began the end of the last year with my mom. I wish I paid more attention.

Time is a funny thing. It is very cruel and confusing and unforgiving. I don’t remember much between the year of 1994-1995. Prior to 1994, I know my childhood was more or less normal and pleasant and fun. Post biopsy, everything stopped, and I have truly blocked out memories. I think for the better. It’s been almost 16 years since my mom passed away, and I still remember that horrible day like it was just a few months ago. But ask me what I did for my 21st birthday, or my 25th birthday and I couldn’t tell you.

Funny thing, time, is. It can work with you or against you. During this last year of my mom’s life, I have no idea if she planned this on purpose or if it is all merely coincidence. Either way, I truly only have her to thank, and only had the clarity to see it years after her death. When it was years too late to thank her in person.
——–

 

Any constructive comments are appreciated.

Thank you

 

Gettysburg Photographs…Just A Few

Here are a few images from a recent trip to Gettysburg, PA.

If you have not been there, I highly suggest a visit. There are no words to explain the feeling of walking where such a battle took place.

Gettysburg Military Park.

Simply amazing.

Please do not use these are any other images without my permission. Please contact me first before reusing. Thank you.

Copying Posts…Wow!

I have mentioned on my new cool blog already, that I am rather new here. So I was not aware that fellow bloggers can re-post your blogs.

Still learning my dashboard, I saw that I had a spam message, when I delved deeper in trying to figure out what’s what on there, I realized that it wasn’t so much a spam message, it was notifying me that someone had reposted my blog entry.

I don’t really know what to think about that. On the one hand, I think it is absolutely awesome that someone took the time to read it, but then to take the extra time to repost it?! Wow!! That is amazing!!!

I think I am more shocked at the fact that someone out there liked my entry enough to do that. So I guess I am writing this, in a way, to say Thank You.

I am given a little more motivation.

 

Family Story-Chapter Two-ish…

Here is what perhaps should be in the second chapter or perhaps still within the first of my story. I have not quite worked that out yet. Here goes:

—–

Now Cancer isn’t a word in our normal everyday vocabulary. My family is not very well educated, we didn’t graduate from Universities, but we are not ignorant either. Cancer is a word we do not understand. And the way it was introduced to us by the great doctor at the hospital who performed my mothers biopsy was, “oh yeah, she has it”.  After waiting for what seemed like hours for her surgery to end, my dad, sister and I all waited, scared and speechless. Not knowing what to think, just that we couldn’t believe we were there. Then as we see the doctor, almost sprinting through the waiting room to exit the other side, probably on his way for a coffee break, my dad ran to him and asked what happened. And that was his answer. That was how we found out my mom, the light in my world, had cancer. “Oh yeah, she has it”.

Makes me wonder, is this how all doctors tell their patients that their wife’s and mothers and daughters have Cancer? Is this normal practice? Or were we just a special case? Was he having a bad day? Well, this is how this one small scared daughter will always remember that doctor. Who told my dad that my mom had it. “Oh yeah, she has it”.
—–
It feels so odd to write about such a personal topic. These are things only a select few know. I am not sure even if I have told my husband this. And yet, here I am, blogging about it.

Interesting, isn’t it? How life works. There is so much that a person or a family goes through, and never speaks about it. Why is that?

Any suggestions/comments on the writing is appreciated. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this! =)

Some Photographs to Start With

Here are a few images of my photographs. I am still learning how to use WordPress, and not quite sure about the sizing and formating and such. So this is more of practice for me. Haha!

A couple of these shots were taken with a camera phone, which I think is obvious due to the quality, but when I see something I like, I have to snap away. Whether with a digital camera or camera phone.

More photos to come when I can.

Intro To Family Story-Chapter 1 If You Will

Beginnings of a chapter:

One

Flashes of memories are all that I remember of my mom now. Small moments in time that are suddenly remembered in my head that brighten then fade as soon as I remember them. Only the bad memories remain, and I have too many of those. I barely remember now how she was before her death. Before that, my memory is hazy. It’s not that I was an infant when she past away, it’s just that somehow all the good memories have been replaced with all the bad.

Someone had once told me that when your mom dies, you emotionally remain that age forever, whatever age that may be. I believe that to be true. I believe I am still 19 years old, truly 15 at heart or even younger, perhaps. Young and heartsick at the loss of my mother.

I never knew that she actually planned out my life for me already. For the better. To be better. I don’t know how to thank her for my life.

~~~

I have the next set of words planned out, but I don’t know where to put them. I am not sure how the arrangement should follow…???